Trans women are treated as if they are not worthy of love. In her speech, titled “ The Beauty in Us,” she said, “Because our culture deems us undesirable, our lovers and partners are often expected to explain why they choose to be with us.” After reading that powerful speech as well as many other queer theorists, I stopped feeling so backward. Julia Serano, a transgender activist and writer, pointed out that it is not acceptable to consider attraction to trans women a fetish, because that reduces them to fetish objects. That was when I started reading queer theory. Once again surrounded by the transgender community, I started thinking about my sexuality almost every day and this inner conflict re-arose. My year in Thailand made it a second home for me, and I returned last spring for a study abroad semester.
I don’t always describe myself as trans-attracted, but the label helped me feel like I had a place in the queer community and it helps others unders. Neither one is official or common, but their use is growing due to the increasing demand for a way to categorize people who are attracted to transgender people. When I saw these words, a feeling of relief washed over me: I was not alone.
Finally one day, after hours of searching, I came across two terms that described what I was feeling. Trans-attraction and trans-orientation. I didn’t even know what to call my sexual orientation. I began questioning my sexuality and even my masculinity. The heteronormative world in which we live had successfully convinced me that being attracted to transgender women meant I had a fetish. I was attracted to trans women, in other words, and I spent the next three years of my life in confusion and shame. Although I don’t see anything different about my sexual orientation, most people do.Ībout four years ago, I was an exchange student in Thailand, a country known for its large, open transgender population. While most men avoided trans women, I saw no difference between them and cisgender women (women who were born biologically female). I never thought I would have to come out about being attracted to women. But that’s the funny and sad position I’m in these days. A version of this story originally appeared on The Weave.